Avoid the Greener Grass Syndrome: Water Your Own Marriage.

If your marriage is less than blissful, and you feel like giving up, I can tell you from personal experience; marriages can be raised from the dead. My husband, Ron, and I had one of the worst marriages Ive ever seen.but nowwe really love each other even like each other. You can too. Are you willing to begin anew?

Youre probably thinking, Why should I be the first to change? or How come I have to do all the work? The answer is simple: God will work with whoever is available and give that person the strength to change. Are you available?

You already know that you cant change your mate, but you can change your own behavior. The word change indicates a transformation, which is a metamorphosis; the word metamorphosis begins with the two letters me. Change begins with me.

I Cant Get No Satisfaction

If either you or your spouse constantly hums the Rolling Stones tune, I Cant Get No Satisfaction, you might be in trouble. If you ignore each others needs, one or both of you will be more tempted to go elsewhere. But having unmet needs is no excuse for bad behavior and going after satisfaction outside your marriage is always wrong. The best way to avoid the Greener Grass Syndrome is to water your own lawn.

If our marriages are well-watered, the grass on our own side of the fence will be lush and soft and lovely. And if youre both content and committed to your marriage, the Flirty Franks and Teasing Tinas at the office, gym, or grocery store wont be as tempting.

Maybe youre saying, But, Nancy, you dont know how selfish my husband/wife is. Youre right, I dont know your situation, but Im assuming that you chose to marry that person, so they must have some wonderful qualities too. Unless your spouse is abusing you or your children, you can choose to be satisfied in your marriage. Look for the best in your mate, not at his or her faults. The more you meet your spouses needs, the more he or she will want to meet yours. It doesnt matter who plants the first seeds, because youll enjoy the harvesttogether. It might be hard to start, but if you dont, and your mate wont, then who will?

Paying Attention?

My husband, Ron, recently had a conversation with his friend Earl. Earl said, For years, my feet have been killing me. I bought insole cushions for my shoes and even bought an expensive pair of arch supports, but nothing helped. So I finally went to a podiatrist.

What did he say? Ron asked.

Earl said, First, he X-rayed my feet and looked at the films. Then the doctor asked me, What size shoe do you wear? I answered, Eleven. Then the he said, No wonder your feet hurt, you should wear a size thirteen! Earl shook his head as he told Ron, Ive been buying size eleven shoes since high school. It never occurred to me to measure my feet to see if theyd grown.

His shoes had been too small for years! His feet had changed, but he wasnt paying attention.

Have you measured your marriage lately?

Its easy to get complacent and just continue doing what weve always done. Since nothing ever stays the same, small changes can sneak up on us and cause some big problems.

Growing Pains

If youre struggling in your relationship and feel like youve grown apart from your spouse, today can be the day of new beginnings. I know how lonely, discouraged, and exhausted you may feel, because Ive felt that way.

I was in a marriage full of emptiness.

I was the original desperate housewife, when 24 years ago, I had an affair and moved out of our house. Ron and I were both selfish, angry, and critical; but we arent anymore. Well . . . Im still a little selfish, but mostly our lives are full of light and loveand yours can be too. We admitted our faults, asked for forgiveness, changed our behavior and decided to love each other. Our feelings eventually caught up with our actions and we slowly grew a lovely green grass marriage in own backyard.

Ron and I still dont agree on all issues, but since weve reached a compromise on most of the major ones; the minor oneslike where to set the thermostat or which one of us is a better driver (me) wont break us. Weve learned to work together as a team, and that is our prayer for you.

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Ecclesiastes 4:12a

Adapted from Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around your Marriage (Kregel Publications12/04)