I decided to formulate a few rules for those who decide to try the BFJ Diet. Losing weight is no fun but the results can be satisfying to those who overcome their own desires about eating and succumb to the facts of the matter which are these: Obesity is not good for your health. Obesity is not good for your appearance. Obesity is not good for your reputation. Obesity is not good for you PERIOD.

Actually, I dont like the word obesity. It sounds like a disease. We should have known it would happen; some professionals are now saying that obesity is a disease. I say that is not so. It is a condition brought on, not by the desires of the sufferer, but by others.

Yes, by others.

Its not your fault!

Never place the blame for being overweight on yourself.

Do you hear me?

You are overweight because:

Your mother always said, Now clean your plate or there will be no dessert for you.

You are overweight because:

McDonalds built a hamburger joint next door. You dont even have to go in the place. You just walk up to the takeout window and say, Give me three Big Macs, Sarah! Two are for my dogs.

You are overweight because:

When you were a kid, Billy Brainbreak said, Youre as fat as a pig, Mary! When you roll over in your bed at night, you shake the ground so hard that our hens wont lay eggs and our cows wont give milk.

You are overweight because:

George Simpleton married Sally Druthers after saying he loved you that night under the big oak treejust to get his way with you.

Its not your fault!

I know that you want to lose weight. Who doesnt in this day and age? So here are some rules that I formulated for the Big Fat John Diet:

1. Decide that you are going to lose weight come hell or high water. Not only that, set a MINIMUM GOAL WEIGHT that you CAN reach. When you reach that weight, consider it a victory. Then, if you want to lose still more weight, set a new REACHABLE goal weight. For example, I started out at 222.5 pounds in April. I set a goal weight of 187 pounds because my cardiologist in Arizona monitored me for 6 years and he said that at that weight, I had the best medical test results for my heart condition. So I had a reason for setting that weight. You MUST have a reason too. Dont take this as a trivial step. If you do, you will fail. Go to the doctor if you want to and ask him to help you set a goal weight. Okay, ask your barber or hair dresser!

2. Set the approximate maximum calories you will intake each day. I set mine at 1100-1300 per day. You may be able to lose weight eating 1500 calories a day. It depends on your metabolism and on your daily activity. If you live here in Idaho and are putting up hay, you can probably lose weight by ingesting 2000 calories or more a day. Take a multivitamin every day.

3. Make a chart for each week you will be on your diet. I suggest that you make a minimum of 16 charts. When I started the BFJ Diet, I made a chart for every day. It gave me more space to record the type of food I ate, the amount, the calories, the fat content, and whether I liked it or not. I learned that the foods I ate daily were not all that different and that I could get the information in seven columns on a weekly chart. Then I found that I didnt need to record what I ate after about two weeks. (If you stop recording and find yourself getting of your regimen, then IMMEDIATELY start recording again.) I jot my weight down on the chart a few times a week but not everyday. BUT ALWAYS PUT UP THE CHART. I put my chart up Sunday morning. I have a spread sheet where I record my weight at weeks end. I then can make a graph of the chart by simply selecting the data. Have a teenage family member or a friend tell you how to do this. He or she can make up your charts too. Oh, you know how to make a chart and a graph? Sorry!

4. IF you are capable of walking, start walking in the morning and in the evening. Walk at least one mile in the morning and mile at night. Okay, do it all in the evening. You will sleep better. But walk! Stretch your tendons before, during, and after walking. You dont want shin splints do you! You dont have to jog but if you can, why not. There will come a time in your diet where you just stay at the same weight. This will occur after a couple of months. That is the time to increase the distance you walk every day. Add mile at a time until you are walking 2-3 miles a day in one session. Can you walk a little faster? As you lose weight, you will find walking much easier.

5. Do not eat sweets on a daily basis or any other basis. Dont drink more than one glass of juice everyday. Drink glass of milk at a time or just put it on your cereal. If you must have a sweet snack, make it a graham cracker with less than a teaspoon of peanut butter. When you go out for dinner, stay away from desserts. To do this, eat a lot of salad and protein so that you are not hungry for dessert. I eat only one meal each day. I dont eat in the evening unless Im dying for something. Thats when I eat the graham cracker. Yum! Yum! Remember that Marlene Dietrich ate only one meal every three days. She was a snake! I can go all day without eating. That comes from not eating. However, there will come a time when your body will say, EAT SOMETHING OR YOU WILL DIE! Its best to eat at that time. Do you like pickled herring, and such? It makes a great snack. Easy on the crackers!

6. Eat out and pig out at least once a week, but no sweets. Okay, a one-inch square of a brownie is okaybut can you stop from taking another piece of brownie. I say, STAY AWAY FROM SWEETS! When you go out to dinner, start at the salad bar. Easy on the dressing! You dont need that much. Eat fruit. Then go for the meat! Stay away from bread and starchy vegetables. However, you can eat vegetables. Just take a small amount of each. Now, that was easy, wasnt it? I hope that is water or a diet drink you have in your hand.

7. TELL EVERYBODY IN SIGHT that you are on a diet, the BFJ Diet, and that you have lost BLANK pounds. Tell them often. This is called by my wife, an expert in dieting, being gauche. Incidentally, my wife had a horrible weight problem when she was young. She became an instructor at weight watchers and on our 20th wedding anniversary she put on her wedding dress and we had a family picture taken. IF you look at what she does everyday to keep her weight down, you would swear that she is on the BFJ Diet! Well, the fact of the matter is that she taught me a few things about losing weight.

8. Say these words often, I know I can Can My Can! I know I can Can My Can! I know I can Can My Can!

9. As you lose weight, your clothes will no longer fit properly. See if you can get some of those old clothes on. If you can, a thrill will come up on you saying, GOOD GIRL! If you are not a girl it will say, GOOD BOY! Be hesitant about buying new clothing too soon. Lose clothes will make it obvious that you are losing weight. When someone says, Are you losing weight, Mary? say, Dont be gauche!

10. When you get up in the morning and when you go to bed say this over and over again, I know that Taylor Jones, the hack writer, loves me! This is a great thing to say while you are walking, staring at the dessert bar, or eyeing that candy bar at the supper market.

I'm down from 222.5 pounds to 196.0 pounds. Good Boy, John!